Unleashing My Inner Child

My anxiety reached its all time low when I was in 8th grade. I was not functioning properly. I could not focus. My grades were slipping. I was lashing out on people.  I was irritable, and quite frankly I was a huge mess.  This was the first time I honestly realized I was different. It's when I was put on my medication to help manage my symptoms, and it's when I first started realizing that my anxiety caused consequences in my life (I was not too happy when my mom took away my computer privileges at the time, but I now realize that it was so I could focus on bettering myself).

Eighth grade was also when I met my fabulous resource room teacher Ms. McLeod. She was fabulous and she would let me sit in her classroom if I needed to cool down. She also introduced me to what she called 'Color Therapy', to help me relax if I needed to. She would make birthday cards for all the students on my team and she let me and a few other students color them with markers and crayons if we needed a break. Looking back, it truly did help, but I didn't think much of it at that point. 

Fast forward to college. I was looking around Barnes & Noble after Christmastime and I found an intricate coloring book called "My Wonderful World of Fashion." I ended up buying it and buying a 24 pack of Crayola colored pencils and I spent hours on it. 

At both those points, I didn't realize how much of a trend adult coloring would become. I was excited when I saw coloring books popping up everywhere and that I was finding beautiful drawings on Pinterest. I was excited to find adult coloring groups on Facebook where people from all over the world shared techniques and their artwork. 

I have found immense joy in my coloring. It makes me proud whenever I master a new technique. It helps me gain confidence when I share my work with other people (to the point I now enter coloring contests geared toward adults). I love discovering new mediums and experimenting with them.. For example: Did you know if you put eye shadow on a cotton swab, you could use it to make a really pretty shadowing effect? Or if you dip a cotton swab in baby oil or petroleum jelly, it helps blend your colored pencils and it intensifies the color? 

I was at a pretty low point recently with my mental health, and adult coloring has helped me focus and ground myself. It helps my anxiety and it has been helping me regain my confidence after a tough blow to it. I am proud to call myself an Adult Colorist. 

To 13 Year Old Me:

Hey you. It’s Julia. It’s been a long time since you were 13. 10 years in fact. You are 23 now, and though it’s not been an easy road, your life is amazing – especially if you take a moment to breathe.
This is the age we first realized we were different. It seems so long ago that mom took you into that psychiatric practice and the words ‘you’re going to start taking medicine’ were told. Though you already knew of your disabilities, you didn’t realize how gravely your anxiety and Nonverbal Learning Disorder affected you and everyone around you. You chose to be in denial for a long time, and that is alright, because being diagnosed comes with its own grieving process. This seemed to be harder because you were a teenage girl just wanting to fit in and one who tried everything in her power not to feel awkward. But you learned that your awkwardness is what makes you who you are and it helped you in the long run.
 
You always tried to be the most popular and wanted a million friends, but you learned that was just not who you are. You tried joining a sorority, and though the girls liked you, it was too much for your anxiety. That is alright though. I am proud of you for trying and getting so far. You are still good friends with Carla. She’s like your family now. You keep in touch with Julie and you have met a couple new friends. You learned you are happier with fewer friends who truly care about you and can make you laugh no matter what.

Remember how you were borderline desperate for a boyfriend and to feel accepted? After years of heartbreak and many, many failed dates, you just let things take their course. You decided to try online dating, and though a few guys who seemed promising couldn’t handle all your awesomeness, you met someone who did. He ended up being your best friend and he embraces all your weirdness (because he’s just as weird as you). He accepts all your disabilities and calms your anxiety. He’s become your rock and he’s been there for you since you’ve met.

You are not rich and have a lot of money like you thought you would. You didn’t end up depending on a man to support you. You didn’t have kids before the age of 21. Instead, you graduated from college with honors, got an advanced certificate and also earned honors on that, and you have taken the steps to be fully independent. You have your own apartment that’s quite amazing. You do everything for yourself (with a little help from your family and friends, but that’s okay. They love you more than anything). You were able to hold down a job for a year and a half, after losing it due to some unfortunate circumstances, but you have the confidence and the willpower to get back up and keep trying to find a new one.

I always knew you were resilient and strong-willed, Julia. I know you’ve felt like giving up many times, but you never had. You are one of the strongest people out there and I know you have touched many people. Your life may not be perfect or traditional, and you may worry a lot, but your life is pretty dang amazing. I know you would be proud of who we have become. You did good for yourself.

To My Boyfriend, The Man I Never Could Have Dreamed Of:

I just realized I forgot we have been dating for four months as of December 22nd and that's a huge accomplishment for me. I've never been in a relationship where I could be certain someone would be there for me in the long haul. The months don't matter anymore, because I know you'll be here month after month.

Between my anxiety, my learning disability, and degenerative spinal condition, I never could have imagined you. I have always felt like I was too much for people, but at the same time, I was never enough for them. I always felt like I would never meet someone who would care about me in the way you do, and love and accept me for the quirky and awkward person I am. But here you are, and you amaze me in more ways that I could ever imagine.

I know I'm an intense person. I know I'm strong-willed and I'm stubborn. I know I read into things and worry obsessively. Anxiety does that to a person.

I know that sometimes I get on your nerves, but I appreciate how patient you are towards me. You calm my fears about being alone. You help me through the tough times and  you're there to celebrate the good times. You make me laugh and smile more than you have in  years. You make me test my boundaries. But above all, you accept me.

Acceptance was all I ever wanted. I needed someone to accept my flaws. I needed someone to accept that I worry a lot. I needed someone to push me so I don't get stuck in this scary world that is often not suited for people with disabilities but at the same time accept that I am trying my hardest and I may not do something in a traditional fashion.

I've fallen in love more deeply than I could imagine (and that is saying a lot because I'm super expressive with my emotions).

I know four months is not a long time for most people, but for me it's a huge deal. Other than people who are related to me, I can count the number of people on one hand who have remained close to me after four months. I know that you will be in my life for a long time and I fall in love with you more and more every single day. I am proud to be your girlfriend, and more importantly I am proud that you are my boyfriend. I love you.